Saturday, April 27, 2013

God To Followers: Stop Praying For Stupid Shit

by Jenn Lane 
April 1, 2011

ROME, Italy – In a surprising statement issued through His spokesperson at the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI, God has requested that prayers for everyday things, such as making the train on time, be temporarily put on hold in light of the seriousness of recent world events, including the earthquake and tsunami in Japan as well as continued political unrest in the Middle East.

“It’s nothing personal,” Pope Benedict reassured the masses; “it’s just that He’s got His hands full, with Japan and this whole Libya thing.  Prayers have hit an all-time high and He’s really had to put in some late nights to manage the increased workload.”

“This time of year is always a busy one for the Big Guy,” added Jesus Christ, Son of God, via an exclusive phone interview.   “Prom season is really big for us.  We get a lot of ‘please let Jake ask me to the prom’ and ‘please let Sara give it up on prom night’.”

“We disapprove of those,” Jesus quickly added.

“Plus, baseball season is about to start,” noted Jesus, “so the Cubs fans come out in full force, the fantasy baseball guys suddenly start putting in requests.  And then there are the mothers…” Jesus said, before the call was suddenly dropped due to poor reception.

Pope Benedict offered some clarity regarding mothers.  “Mothers keep us very busy.  They’re always looking for good health, college acceptance letters, Valium.  We get a wide variety from the mothers.”  

“People don’t understand how hard it is to be a deity,” His Holiness the Dalai Lama concurred.  “You take all of the regular day-to-day stuff, you know, your births, your deaths, your soul mates meeting at a Starbucks, that kind of thing.  Then you add in the sports fans, the kids looking for a day off from school because they didn’t study for their tests; you throw a natural disaster or a violent uprising into the mix, and you’ve got yourself a shitstorm of prayers.  It’s a lot of work; a lot of long hours.”

The recent statement has left many faithful questioning what they should do about their day-to-day requests.  Pope Benedict has suggested praying to some of the lesser-known saints, citing that some, such as St Apollonia (Patron Saint of dentists), St. Lidwina (Patron Saint of ice-skaters), and St. Casimir (Patron Saint of bachelors) hardly receive any prayer requests and have ample time on their hands to pitch in. 

“God doesn’t want people to stop praying altogether,” Pope Benedict clarified.  “He’s just busy right now, so He’d like you to prioritize.  Praying for someone battling cancer?  Sure.  Praying that Dunkin’ Donuts gets your coffee order right?  Maybe that can wait a bit.”

There was no word from the Vatican on how long the prayer ban was expected to last.

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