Saturday, April 27, 2013

Romney Home Renovations Include Salon, Dungeon

by Jenn Lane

August 31, 2011

SAN DIEGO – Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney came under fire late last week after plans to rebuild his $12 million oceanfront home were leaked to the press.  According to reports, Romney, who was openly critical of President Obama’s recent decision to vacation on Martha’s Vineyard while the country faces an uncertain economic future, intends to quadruple the square footage of his California property in order to accommodate extra bedrooms, a personal style center, and a dungeon.

Romney was quick to defend his reconstruction plans, citing his large extended family as a reason for needing more space.  The former Massachusetts governor spoke briefly with reporters outside of a fundraising event yesterday.

“I have a lot of kids.  They have a lot of kids.  Right now, when the whole family comes over for a holiday, it becomes a logistical nightmare.  You’ve got people sleeping TWO to a room, some even on air mattresses.  Last Thanksgiving, my grandson had to sleep on the couch.  It’s barbaric.”

“I’m not running a youth hostel,” Romney continued.  “This isn’t Europe. This is America, where we believe that children are our future.  The future doesn’t sleep on an under inflated air mattress in the living room.  Not on my watch.”

Romney declined to comment on reports that his home expansion project also included a personal style center as well as a dungeon.  However, Jack Gibbons, a friend of the family, offered some insight.

“It’s not easy to get his hair like that.  It takes three stylists four hours to make sure each hair is properly positioned and secured.  Then there are the clothes.  He requires everything to be ironed: shirts, ties, pants, socks, garments, all of it.  And, well, there’s the makeup…Mitt loves the makeup.”

While reports of Romney’s style center came as a surprise to some, it was the rumor that the presidential hopeful also intends to add a dungeon to his home that raised concern among members of the Republican Party.

“Frankly, I’m not surprised,” offered Karen DuBois, a former campaign advisor who grew close to Romney and the rest of his family during his 2008 failed bid for the GOP nomination.

“Look how tightly-wound that guy is. The dude is Mormon; he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he can’t even have a cup of coffee.  Everyone needs to blow off a little steam now and then, let their freak flag fly.  He and Anne prefer to do it together, and let me tell you, they are into some crazy shit.”

“Dungeon-schmungeon,” DuBois continued.  “Leave the kids alone, they’re married. It’s allowed.” 

Upon hearing of Romney’s proposed home renovations, many of his rivals for the Republican nomination came forward to express their disapproval, with Texas governor Rick Perry going to the greatest lengths to distance himself from Romney.

Perry released a statement in which he called the former Massachusetts governor a pervert and promised that, if elected, he would pass a law requiring that “marital relations occur in a bed, with the lights off, every first and third Tuesday of the month, with the act lasting no more than two minutes and both parties consenting to shower separately within 30 minutes of completion in order to effectively wash away the sin.”

“Whips and chains are not necessary to procreation,” the statement concluded.

The Romney campaign refrained from commenting on Perry’s statement, specifying only that construction would not begin until after the election was over and that costs were expected to be kept to a minimum, as Romney would be continuing his tradition of employing illegal immigrants for work around his homes.

1 comment:

  1. So loved the insights on Romney. Had my suspicions, just saying.......